Turns out you can protect yourself in the event of a Michael Bolton special on PBS. The Barry Manilow vaccine covers that.
On the other hand, the Celine Dion vaccine, while effective, unfortunately contains live Bette Midler virus.
Sorry.
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Seriously: I used to really enjoy Barry Manilow's music. I was in my 20s, and it wasn't bad. But somewhere along the way, he switched to recording other people's hits, almost exclusively. At first, he was sort of doing Vic Damone or Steve Lawrence's old shtick. Now he's his own Time-Life Records revue.
And then there's the cosmetic surgery. Something about a 60-year-old man with spikey hair and stretched-tight cheeks is more than scary. Last time he appeared on Jay Leno, he looked like Big Bird in a red suit. Sang OK, but unwatchable.
Barry: come home. Write some catchy tunes. Buy a comb. And put on some sensible clothing.
You're welcome.
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